Dear Mama

It’s going to be two months now and I have finally understood that I will carry your loss in my heart, my thoughts and my conversations...for the rest of my life.

Memories: Of the special way you said my name on the phone, the joy and pleasure coming through in your voice. Of how you would make my favorite dishes each time I visited Delhi the last few years, and how you excitedly brought home goodies every day. Of how you complained that I spent all my time reading rather than chatting with you over those precious few vacation days. Of your boundless energy. Of your beauty. Of your tales of bunking knitting classes and learning how to cook from Dad. Of the way you fooled a one-year-old me into believing you went to office in the evenings while you merrily watched movies with Mamaji. Of repeatedly making you recount the forgotten parts of my childhood, mostly for the joy you took in narrating them. Of the way you shunned the camera, and the pleasure we took in threatening you with it. Of ribbing you about your dates with Dad at Connaught Place after your engagement. Of your fondness for Pyaasa. Of your academic brilliance and your dreams of getting into the foreign service, cruelly shattered due to the failure of an elder sibling. Of your nagging. Of the sound advice you gave me that I seldom heeded. Of the pride you took in your subject and your job. Of the courage with which you took on life. Of the way you ended every phone conversation we had in the last two difficult years with ‘I love you’.

Regrets: Of not telling you enough how much you meant to me. Of not saying I love you as many times as I should have. Of saying too many “You did not” and too few “You did”. Of not being able to break into the inner shell you retreated into recently. Of the hug that I did not give in my hurry to leave on that cold January morning, little knowing I would never see you again.

Anger: At life, for dealing you a lousy pack of cards – you deserved better, Mama. You fought long, you fought hard, you played by the rules. But by leaving so quickly and unexpectedly, you hoodwinked us all.

To quote one of your your favorite songs - Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya ho. I hope you are in a happy place, Mama.