Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing - no one to blame.
Today I went to give blood for a colleague's ailing relative. I am mortally scared of needles. And the sight and smell of blood makes me sick. Mercifully I did not have any major injuries while I was growing up. But once I remember that I broke a glass over my hand, and the blood just wouldnt stop. By the time my Dad took me to the doctor two houses away, I had passed out on the ground. Just like that. All because I shed maybe a few ounces of blood. That's what blood does to me. And if it is my blood taken out through a needle - well, u get the picture.
So when I was in college, I baulked when my best friend asked me donate blood for the Red Cross Blood Camp. But then I thought - I have to get over this somehow. There are people who could lose their lives for lack of a little blood, all because there are tons of people out there with my kind of fear. The thought made me feel like a loser, and I dont like that feeling. I decided this was one fear I was not giving in to. I walked in, and bravely got myself massacred by the needle.
Since then, I have donated blood about 5-6 more times. The first coupla times, I would pass out - always. The last two times I did not, so I feel I am evolving. I still get that dizzy feeling when they first draw blood - but I tell myself it will go away, and eureka, it does ! But each time the experience is a torture - the gradual build up of fear, the spinning of the head, the pain. And each time I ask myself why I put myself through it - there is no compulsion, really. But inexplicably, I force myself to do this every 6 mths to a year.
Maybe this is my way of confronting at least one of my fears. It may sound ridiculous, but doing this makes me feel more like a man (for lack of a better phrase!). And no one to blame.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
Sometimes
.... I dont feel like speaking at all to my family or friends, even though I miss them a lot.
... I feel like bursting into uninhibited laughter in the middle of a serious business review. or sticking out my tongue at the guy taking serious notes. and winking conspiratorially at the guy who is desperately trying to hold back a yawn.
... I get extremely irriated when my Mom tells me something that I know is logically good for me, but I cannot do it.
... I dont feel like being understanding and considerate while listening to problems of friends of family. Even though I would expect them to do so were I whining to them.
... I feel like walking endlessly, hoping to reach the edge of the universe. And then topple over into the vast unexplored beyond.
... I wish there was a Lacuna Inc in the real world to help me erase painful memories. not just forgive, but also forget. or - I wish life would give me at least one opportunity to believe in the fairy tale world of movies.
... I feel like bursting into uninhibited laughter in the middle of a serious business review. or sticking out my tongue at the guy taking serious notes. and winking conspiratorially at the guy who is desperately trying to hold back a yawn.
... I get extremely irriated when my Mom tells me something that I know is logically good for me, but I cannot do it.
... I dont feel like being understanding and considerate while listening to problems of friends of family. Even though I would expect them to do so were I whining to them.
... I feel like walking endlessly, hoping to reach the edge of the universe. And then topple over into the vast unexplored beyond.
... I wish there was a Lacuna Inc in the real world to help me erase painful memories. not just forgive, but also forget. or - I wish life would give me at least one opportunity to believe in the fairy tale world of movies.
Action Hero
Amazing how quickly your long pending items list gets resolved sometimes when you get down to tackling it : -) This Saturday was one such day for me. After days of agonizing, I finally made the earth shattering decision of which Broadband carrier to go with - hopefully I should get my Airtel connection by this Wednesday. Also, very very belatedly, dragged myself to Bajaj Capital to find out about investment options. If only I had not postponed this for the last 8 months, I cuda been sitting on a pile of profits. But no looking back in the rear view mirror for now. Picked up the sketches that I had given for framing - they have turned out quite nicely. and also hauled my poor car for getting the driving window and the stereo fixed - again after months of 'I'll go next Saturday'. After all this work, I felt I certainly deserved the Rum & Raisin ice cream at Corner House.
Of course finishing some work always leads to creation of new one. sigh. so now i have to decide on what investments to make. gawd. I dislike decisions that require deliberation and analysis. ask me to decide something instinctively, on the spot, in 2 seconds flat, and i shall be done. But give me 2 days, and i shall agonize over the pros and cons, most of them imagined. Give me 2 months for the decision, and I shall probably also create a Excel sheet with lots of information. And after all of this, the actual decision will still be made on 'gut feeling'.
By the way, I like the mechanic I took my car to. There is something in him that inspires my trust - I cant explain why. He gives you the feeling that he is not putting a fast one on you, that he genuinely wants to help you. And well, he is great with the car. You can make out his superiority by the way he snaps and barks orders at the junior mechanics helping him out. It is highly unlikely that he has been to school, leave alone college. I wonder how he picked up such awesome skills with the various electronic components of my car then, which I, a post graduate, fail to comprehend? And he is doing things that directly benefit his customers. Not creating some fancy business case and notional benefits and cost cases.
His coup de grace was delivered while he frowned over the recurring problem with the driving window of my poor Santro - Mercedes aur BMW ka parts jitna top class nahin hai. He is my hero for the masses.
Of course finishing some work always leads to creation of new one. sigh. so now i have to decide on what investments to make. gawd. I dislike decisions that require deliberation and analysis. ask me to decide something instinctively, on the spot, in 2 seconds flat, and i shall be done. But give me 2 days, and i shall agonize over the pros and cons, most of them imagined. Give me 2 months for the decision, and I shall probably also create a Excel sheet with lots of information. And after all of this, the actual decision will still be made on 'gut feeling'.
By the way, I like the mechanic I took my car to. There is something in him that inspires my trust - I cant explain why. He gives you the feeling that he is not putting a fast one on you, that he genuinely wants to help you. And well, he is great with the car. You can make out his superiority by the way he snaps and barks orders at the junior mechanics helping him out. It is highly unlikely that he has been to school, leave alone college. I wonder how he picked up such awesome skills with the various electronic components of my car then, which I, a post graduate, fail to comprehend? And he is doing things that directly benefit his customers. Not creating some fancy business case and notional benefits and cost cases.
His coup de grace was delivered while he frowned over the recurring problem with the driving window of my poor Santro - Mercedes aur BMW ka parts jitna top class nahin hai. He is my hero for the masses.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
India at lunch
So the discussions at lunch today turned to Bihar. actually it started with goonda-ism, so no surprise that Bihar came up : -) Aa guy who has stayed there was telling us that he was searching for a house once, and he asked a passerby for directions - in response he was asked 'kaunsi jaat ke hain?" (which caste do you belong to) - such is the extent of casteism in the state.
Which made me think - what an isolated world we (me and my contemporaries) live in. We think that India is about GDP growth & BRIC, about the booming Sensex & rising consumerism, but the real India is out there - cut along religion, state, caste and sub-caste. I strongly believe that individually, Indians are one of the most brilliant and entrepreneurial people on this planet, if not the most brilliant - where else would you find dhurrie makers in Jodhpur selling their goods online? However, we lack a collective Indian identity, a sense of belonging. Our collective identity may be defined by the religion or the caste or the part of the country we belong to, but it is not defined by India. And that may be the biggest challenge for us as we hope to take over the world. Will the sum of the different parts transcend the whole? I hope so.
Which made me think - what an isolated world we (me and my contemporaries) live in. We think that India is about GDP growth & BRIC, about the booming Sensex & rising consumerism, but the real India is out there - cut along religion, state, caste and sub-caste. I strongly believe that individually, Indians are one of the most brilliant and entrepreneurial people on this planet, if not the most brilliant - where else would you find dhurrie makers in Jodhpur selling their goods online? However, we lack a collective Indian identity, a sense of belonging. Our collective identity may be defined by the religion or the caste or the part of the country we belong to, but it is not defined by India. And that may be the biggest challenge for us as we hope to take over the world. Will the sum of the different parts transcend the whole? I hope so.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Nice no more
strange how when you are feeling relly frustated you feel like taking it out on the rest of the world. so today I shouted at the airtel guy, honked like mad at a few irritating cars on the road, and gave a mouthful to my laundry man. A feeble attempt to act like a bitch, and to like it too. and why not? nice people finish last dont they say.
Monday, December 05, 2005
The year of
There is a unique characteristic that dominates each year of an individual’s life. For instance, you got married in X year, or got the dream scholarship in Y year. 2005 will go down as the year of losing faith for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)